Thinking about food and not filling a trolley and doing a proper shop anymore, I have also realised that I am almost vegetarian. Not because I am vegetarian but because I can't afford to buy meat at the moment. The cost of living/cost of survival will be having very tangible impacts on people's diets and health. For me it also has a direct impact as I tend to use food as a preventative medicine to stay as healthy as I can and not use the NHS or the GP. I have used good food to help manage poor mental health. Right now the lack of money to buy the food I know is healthy and good for us, for our physical and mental health, is actually knocking on and causing poorer mental health. I can then add to this not being able to afford fuel to go anywhere, or having spare money to socialise, things are getting really serious. What else can be stripped away? I guess people who were better off can switch brands or maybe supermarkets, have fewer holidays, buy second hand clothes. But what if you already did all you can to save money? Where do you go from there? What can you cut down on?

I need urgent medical attention and I’ve just been notified that this could be anywhere in Northern Ireland. I hope it’s central as I don’t drive, there’s no pot of money for medical emergencies and my health might have to suffer due to money issues. It’s very scary times.

I don’t think the part of the public who are well off (because there is a ‘them’ and ‘us’) realise how difficult some of our decisions are who live on the breadline every day. I don’t always have a pot of money to budget for emergencies. My son’s SEN taxi was a no show and he needed to get to his exams. I had NO money and I spent an hour trying to find a kind person to help me out. I got there in the end but to think one of my decisions would have been to keep him off school and then he would have failed his test is just atrocious. I never remember life being this cruel when I was wee.

I've not written here for a while. Life has been hectic and very expensive. Oil prices, a birthday and ADHD tax have completely derailed me.

Oil has been high over double its usual price for a while. Now it has dropped although it's only temporary whilst there's peace. I love all humans as equal but I'm feeling desperately sad that 3 male leaders of other countries have created this problem. A problem that we are just meant to sit back and accept when in reality we just can't do a damn thing to change any of it. So I'm on the beg and scrounge to all my amazing friends and family trying to borrow the amount I need. If I find it, a bit of pressure will be off and I will know that in winter we will be warm. It won't be plain sailing as I will still have to pay people back.

The birthday has caused a black hole in the budget too. My 8 year olds first actual birthday with friends. Only 5 of his friends though and even then I can't afford that. My mother in law paid for 2 as I told her I couldn't afford for my great nieces to go. So filled with shame, guilt and a huge sense that I am being judged as a bad person, a bad mum and a general failure. My counsellor would say "Is it something you can control?" "No so let it go!" Not so easy. I don't even let go of the money it seems to turn to dust in my bank account. Cake, presents, guests and food. 1 whole week's food money gone. He won't remember the break down I had or how I cried when booking the party, or the panic that sets in every time I'm asked what's for dinner and it's cheap boring unhealthy beige food again. That's why we do it! So the children aren't feeling poor. 😕 Maybe we are creating an entitled generation. I grew up poor eating the same food most meals. Nothing new. Sometimes no electric. I'm ok I think or maybe I have just adapted to my situation.

So the Universal Credit came into my account minus the 3rd child element extra and within 4 hours it was all gone barring a couple hundred to see us through the next 3 weeks. That's got to cover half term supplies, normal food shop, electric and ADHD tax. I know I will make it work that somehow we will survive but one-day I wont be able to do it. I'm tired of the struggling every time money is involved.

ADHD tax has been a real issue as it always is. This week my husband has managed to break both his tablet and his phone. His tablets only 5 months old. Child 3 has broken his shoes again and Child 2 has somehow lost his PE kit which will cost about £60 to replace. I've had to apologise and write him a letter as I can't get it yet. 😔 Adopted Child has forgotten he has eaten and had extra food. He is stressed and sitting exams and his concentration is severely distracted. Food seems to calm him down but he forgets he has eaten so he eats more. My carefully planned budget that seemed do-able has just been tossed in the rubbish bin. I can't cope with the random ADHD/Autism tax that rears its head.

AuAdHD husband also put a spanner in the works. So he also forgets things a lot and I have to manage everything including the finances. Well after his tablet broke he borrowed my phone to access his emails (which I am always able to see but just don't check out of a respect for his privacy). I give him £90 a month to pay his private medical service bills off and some for his phone credit and himself. He has to pay for private as the waiting lists on the NHS are 8 years long to get help. Things have been tight so the budget got cut. He ended up with just enough for his medical bills. What I saw in the emails was that he hasn't actually paid his medical bills for almost 2 years correctly. He has paid some here and some there but the rest of the money has gone on games. Fuming yes but I have to tread careful as there's a reason I do this kind of thing. I can't flip out I can only draw a line and monitor it more than before. I'm here struggling every day to squeeze the life out of the budget and my family are breaking things faster than lightning and spending money we don't have. The medical people have been great and have restarted the payments from now and will not be asking for the backlog. Thank God there are some amazing kind and understanding people in the world.

I just want to sleep. Turn off all the electric, snuggle up and hibernate until next year. No money being spent, not worrying about oil prices, or who ate too much food.

Maybe then things will be different. Maybe we need to be like bears and hibernate through winter. Nice thought but not realistic.

My youngest is preparing for university this year. She will be the last of 3 children to leave home. I have been a single parent for 15 years and this is a huge moment for her and for me. The usual empty nest stuff applies. How will I feel with no children to have daily care for. What is also hard is that I have no idea what will become of me financially. I know I have to move house. I have made myself afford a very high private rent that my children could all fit in and now that is no longer possible. Not only will I be on my own but I will also have a new and more serious type of precarity. As she leaves I will no longer have child maintenance support that pays for bills and child benefit will also go. It is a harsh future I look at after all of these years of solo care and sacrifice. The single parent paradox means that now I will be free to lead my own life and make my own path, I am so far out of my original career sector, have not worked my way up a ladder, do not own a house and am now in my 50's. What will happen to me?

Having my first UC review, uploaded my bank statements. It’s strange because I know I have nothing to hide but something about it feels so intrusive.

This week been hard as had a family funeral, it broke me completely. She was an amazing woman x x and will always be with me xx after a 4yr battle with cancer she had, it took her a day b4 daughter's birthday, so will always remember, def one of the good people left in this crappy world xx love n miss u soo much x

So this is for yesterday.

So.... yesterday I forgot I have an at home options appointment.

The day had actually started pretty good. The holiday home people had sent back the deposit and I was busy planning what to do with the money. Some of it had already been swallowed into the money pit of doom or in otherworldly overdraft hell. The rest was automatically earmarked for something. In a house where you're always behind, any additional money that enters your life has a purpose before it's even in existence. This money had been 1st reserved by the kids and quite rightly so for a McDonald's treat. This hardly ever happens as the price of a McDonald's can come to the price of a midweek food shop. Saying that the kids had earned it as they hadn't broken anything within the house and I felt that that deserved to be acknowledged. So £70 booked for McDonalds. The rest would happily help with a food shop and a bit left over for electric. Happy Days!

A few hours later though it was gone. Not on a food shop or on electric but on a new pair of glasses for me and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't go away until I had magically figured a way out of this mess. I had forgotten the home visit from the Opticians! Disaster! After being told I needed decent new glasses (I haven't been able to get new ones for 7 years) and that after the Universal Credit's discount it came to £150. Woah wait a minute 😳 that's after a discount of £70. For glasses I NEED. Why oh why did I book a stupid eye test for? If I had just given up on myself for a few more years I could get a food shop in and make sure there's enough electric on the meter.

That's a whole other story too, ScottishPower maintenance over the weekend means I need to top up enough today to keep the meter running over the weekend as during that time the service for top ups will be down.

Sorry do you accept new glasses and a big balloon filled with guilt as payment? No! Didn't think so. Plan B! Beg someone else to lend me some money until my Child Benefit comes in whilst listening to judgments of 'what happened to the deposit money, you haven't spent it all already'!

Plan C it is then. Open up my phone find one of the Paid 2 Play games I have on my phone and spend the next few days earning a few quid then cashing it out for when the electric finally dies and I still can't top it up. Not long after this I will start panicking if I'm meant to declare to HMRC that I've just been paid £2 for playing a mobile game.

I really hope the rest of today goes smoothly!

So the rain is back and I am sick with swollen glands in my throat and a kidney infection. Feeling a bit sorry for myself...my body feels weak so weak but like any single parent we have to get up and get things done. This is now day 3 with not great sleep during the night because I am either up peeing or aching or it's hard to breath. Hoping this passes quick because I have multiple plans with different people tomorrow. They say stay hydrated but when you swallow and it feels like glass it kind of puts me off. Let the healing journey begin

I am really hoping and anxious to know the results of today’s election… I actually don’t have a particular party in mind but I’m scared of Reform because of their manifesto. Hopefully, we will hear a good news of the elections results with a party that loves immigrants declared a winner

Yesterday was day 1 of no money for 2 weeks. I am trying not to look at the budget and trying so hard not to do a food stock check. Usually the stock check and budget are my go to to survive but I know that there is no point looking at it for the next 2 weeks as I can't do anything about it.

I only got my youngest new shoes last week when we were away and he has already broken them. We also got a new ball on Saturday after his ball went over the neighbour's wall at the holiday house and she refused to give it back, the new ball has popped and it's only been a few days.

How are we going to survive ADHD tax?!

Back to making sure the kids have normal food and that us adults are living off of things on toast and cheap noodles.

I'm not complaining as I know we have the roof over our heads and food in our belly. I just feel like it's 2 steps foward then 2 steps back, sometimes it's 3 steps foward and 2 steps back but this feels more like 2 steps foward and 3 steps back. We haven't hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is when we end up eating chicken roll on unbuttoned toast.

We haven't hit that stage yet.

I am worried about the heating oil though! We have about 3 weeks of oil left and with the wars going on in Ukraine and Iran they want double the amount and I can't afford it. £800 for the minimum.

What do I tell the kids when it runs out and they can't have baths or heating? On a positive note it's summer but I just feel so rubbish.

I feel like I am failing my kids. Failing my ill husband and failing myself.

OK so what am I doing? I've have taken my AuADHD husband, my Autistic son and my ADHD son 12 miles away from home to a holiday house. One I know I can't afford. One that has a glass table that I have had to block off from use because theres no way Im ever going to be able to afford a glass table not in this life or the next. With glass stair panels everywhere just to add to the anxiety. All I can think of is how much this is all going to cost when it gets broken. I paid a deposit that I am hoping to get back when we leave as I need this to feed everyone for the next 2 weeks and top up the electric meter. Then the unexpected expenses that come along.

Seriously who's idea was this? Oh yeah mine. Don't get me wrong I needed somewhere to stay, this was one of the last available but I think it may just have broken all financial stability for the next of forever. Even with my mum chipping in to help.

Last month was suffocating but I had already paid this house off before then using a credit card but my daughter turned 18 and my pride kind of got in the way. She needed to have the best 18th birthday I could give her but at what cost?

I think my mental health and any budget i had left. After adding up the cost of the meal we went on, the new shoes I got her, Train tickets to her work experience placement and her weekly food top up card I'm completely out of money.

Up until recently the budget per person per week in my house had been £10 each for food for meals. There are 6 of us so £60 for everyday meals. This didn't include breakfast which came to another £10 between us all. Free school meals for 2 of the kids helping save a bit during the week although school meals still dont fill them up. I am aware that my budget is higher than many peoples out there but I am now having to pay £67 a week for my daughter's meals for on her work placement. She is there for 12 weeks. That works out as £804 just for my daughter. Of course I love her and want to make sure she is fed but WOW. Luckily she is getting paid a bit whilst there so she isn't using all of her meal money up and is trying to work out ways to save a bit. She is also very stressed about money and I'm finding it hard keeping my own financial worries away from her.

How is this even justified? I think in 2 months I have become £2000 in debt just trying to keep on top of the extra spends for birthdays, school clothes lost in space, shoes, broken things around the house.

I know I started this off with being 'on holiday' so I now will explain why I am here. At the end of this week I have a very special important family event that we attend every year. Before this year i had shared a house with 2 other family members, my husband and I and all of our children. We have afforded it as we have stayed together in one house. Saving money by splitting the cost of hiring the place and the food budgets combined. Meaning we were able to feed everyone by making bulk meals and saving on food costs too.

Unfortunately last year the other family members had a massive bust up so this year we are in seperate houses. Seperate costs! Footing the bill for an entire house, inflation and the cost of food.

I know how incredibly lucky I am to be able to have had so many years of being able to stay here but this year has broken me. I couldn't afford it, I put it on a credit card along with my daughter's 18th birthday costs. I've been avoiding looking at it. I know what's there and it's been put in the budget but since I've seen how bad it is and seen the debt I'm getting from the additional food costs for my daughter it's become a cursed item. Something I can't look at because it will consume my soul.

I am exhausted from the obsession of risk assessing every situation, searching every single supermarket every day to find the best deals. I am exhausted searching for end of day yellow sticker food. Exhausted from glueing together shoes that should have been thrown away months ago.

I've just had a food delivery to the holiday home using up the last of my budget for this month. I still have 2 weeks to go until my next universal credit payment. Everyone else is having a good time but I'm sat here breathing into an imaginary paper bag, smiling pretending it's all ok.

It's not!

Child 2 has left his spare shoes at home and Child 3 has just kicked one of his shoes over a hedge into the great beyond. I have no money but hey I will use my Argos card to get new shoes as cheap as possible. Card says NO! Great... Next option credit card! Only enough to get us through the next 2 weeks of electric money and then that's all gone too.

Sorry kids I know we are in this amazingly posh house but I can't actually afford your shoes! Well that is a bit of a brain mess. So do they think I don't love them enough to get them shoes now? More to worry about. 😟

Tonight I will pick at my food slowly knowing that the kids are likely to want more to eat and the only food leftover is on mine and my husband's plate. Knowing that my husband will eat his faster than the speed of light leaving mine open for the kids to divide up. Sometimes my OH eats slow enough and shares food too but he doesn't deal with any of the finances as he has ND issues and just can't function with budgets.

Whilst writing this I've watched my child 2 stuff his face with sausage rolls from the fridge and making himself a drink. The gap in the packet of sausage rolls is agitating me and I know when I've finished this I am going to have to go and count them to make sure the daily ration hasn't been exceeded. The gap in the top of the squash bottle is making me nervous. I need to work out how long the rest of the bottle is going to last. That will then lead to me doing a full inventory stock check and panicking that we don't have enough food. How am I going to find the money for more food when my daughter and adopted son come to stay at the end of the week. How many Tbags do we have and will they last until we get home.

One thing I don't have to worry about is electric and water. That's paid for on my credit card. Everyone can shower every day, watch as much tv as they want. Have the heating on when it's cold. No nervous breakdowns over lights left on or how many times we have boiled the kettle.

Despite these all I feel is anxious and sick to my stomach. I still have a credit card bill to fit into my budget. I need to find money from somewhere and don't know what I am going to have to sell first. I have an outstanding payment to pay off my Argos card. There are also 4 more days left for the kids to break something in the house.

This doesn't feel like a holiday it feels like I'm waiting for the roof to fall down and crush me. Maybe that's wishful thinking as death by debt isn't as kind. I feel like a fraud sitting on the sofa in my amazing holiday house but looks can be deceiving.

I hope tomorrow costs me less than today did.

I am going to have to beg my mum for shoe money and then pay her back when I get UC. God this is such a mess. I thought I was out of this pit and suddenly we are headlong back in it.

Next year I will not be able to attend the event. I will be the wicked witch and take a of the blame for why we can't come to the event. It will also be me that skips meals out of guilt, me and my husband wearing the same clothes all week. Avoiding showers and baths to make sure the kids are fed.