I've spent most of this week hidden under a duvet or shut in a bedroom. The budget won't fit our needs this month. Despite having managed to get the money for the heating oil which I now owe to someone else instead the ADHD tax seems never ending. The shoes I bought at the end of April for Child 3 are already dead, Child 2 is walking around with a school blazer that's way too small and we can only find 1 of his 4 PE socks. My husband also now needs new shoes as he had to wade through a river in them to find Child 2. 🙄 Talking of Child 2 he has now broken the surround of his laptop screen from picking it up by the screen despite being told a million times not to. There's no way to pay for it to be fixed. You ever tried telling a highly Autistic child that he can't use his laptop!!! Needless to say late at night with a roll of brown tape I taped the surround back on. This is just a temporary measure to calm him down. Today I get the job of removing the brown tape carefully and replacing it with Electrical tape so that he can try to use it. I'm still not 100% sure that it won't catch fire but I am 100% sure Child 2 will when I tell him I can't afford to fix it any other way. The shame is a normal feeling. Mainly reserved for when someone's school shoes break and I have to gorilla glue them back together and cover up the scuff marks with permanent black marker. So far we are going through a £40 pair as dictated by the College every 3 months. My heart dies when the shoes die early as I can't budget for that. Husband got his new phone, not a posh one but a £20 Nokia brick. The kids think it's hilarious but it's all we could afford at the moment. It does the job though. In this house we have to put what we need on a waiting list and I have to triage it all and decide what is top of the priority list and you can almost guarantee something more urgent will pop up the second I click on the purchase button. 5 days until I get my CB! The banks already -£11 in one account and -£14 in another and I won't even mention how full the credit card is. I'm definitely avoiding doing next months budget as I don't think I can do miracles

Hello

Very windy and rainy at the same time, I am just indoors today

Hi, just a quick message to thank you for sending the parents and carers book about mental health.

I was feeling a bit down about everything particularly the economic situation which doesn’t improve and the struggle we are all facing but what a relief to receive this book.

I am so proud that I took part in the workshops and the collection of poetry collages and writings really helped me to get better

It helps to know that we are not alone.

Thanks again

I am doing all I can to give my children the best childhood/memories I can afford. This isn't necessarily about material things but about giving them the right foundation for them to build their lives on. It is not easy but I'll keep doing my best!

What's most important to me are myself and family's personal well-being. It's very essential to caring for oneself and the family. Poverty should be eradicated.

So my heating oil arrived this morning. I wander as it's so hot if I get less through evaporation? Either way I have a tank with heating oil ready for winter. I hadn't realised how badly I have NOT hidden my desperation for heating oil. The kids don't usually seem to care but the second the truck arrived they were in the garden watching the tank getting filled singing songs and doing a little dance about getting our oil. I'm hoping it's more to do with child 2 being interested in what's happening with Iran and the US rather than me moaning on about wasting the last bit of oil. The heating oil was followed by the news that the energy price cap was changing and bills were going up AGAIN. With 2 more weeks of no money and using a credit card to buy electric and food I'm sat working out how to survive. I hate using the credit card but it's become a backup plan that get used a lot to fill the gaps between payments. Just seems like even though something positive has just happened that it's being tarnished by another rise in energy prices. This is why people never get on top of things and why we are all continuing to fall deeper into debt and poverty.

Life is going at such a fast pace, I wish UK would slow down and take a more slower approach like some other countries

Good morning

Hope will be a better day today not too much sun

At the beginning of the week I was begging money from my mum for heating oil which I bought on the dip. It hasn't arrived yet as to get it on the cheaper end of the price I had to do the flexible option which means anytime this month into a few days next month. Instead I am now worrying about electric as we have like a million fans running in the house and the fridge and freezer are opening about 100 times a day. A full 360 in a few days. I'm sat in a hot stuffy hallway waiting for a man from adult services to come and see if he can help me with the house. The first time he came round he said there wasn't enough in the budget to do it so I am really hoping that this time will be different. Until he arrives I am sat on the coldest floor I could find in the house but still sweltering as only 50% of the fans are on. I'm busy watching the pennies count down on the electric. It's like someone put a hole in the bucket of electric and it's starting to pour a bit now. I should put the fans on really as yesterday I had heat stroke and was super ill but I just feel like it will cause me more stress and more obsessing over the electric. Instead we got a cheap pool from the shop (only a 3ft one) for £5 so I'm going to sit in that later unless the kids kick me out of it. I'm sure they will. Food wise my freezer is full but mostly with cheap icepoles and ice cubes. Desperately hoping that nextdoor will have a BBQ and hand some food over the fence. I've been cheerily using their ice crusher fridge to top up my water bottle when over there dropping hints about how nice it would be to have a BBQ one day. It's OK they are my parents. I do feel guilty and like a leach, especially after they have worked so hard all of their life for what they have. Neither of them have been able to retire yet despite being old enough. They assure me that it's OK as they can't afford a care home so I will be looking after them soon. It's sad but it's the truth. We all are supporting each other. If someone's electric runs out we all find a few bits of change to give them towards it and when we are stuck it's the other way round. Every one of us is constantly chasing our tails.

Child 2 has the idea. He is in the woods under the trees next to a shaded river with his friends. I worried about this but after doing a bit of googling turns out shaded trees offer better UV protection and slightly less heat than inside a house due to natural processes, there they are next to a river. It's only about 4inches deep so enough to cool off in but not enough to be swept out to sea. It's where I used to play as a girl so I know it's safe. We used to build dams. Either way he is with his friends in the shade with free water cooling facilities and its not costing anything. A few trips home to fill up massive water bottles and a low cost solution to electric fan use sorted.

I just wander what next week will bring!

It’s ages since I’ve been in here and wrote anything.

The truth is I’ve not had it easy and it’s been easier to hide away and try and shut the world out. I’ve had times when services have wanted to help me BUT they say what can we do to help you and I just can’t answer that because if I knew the answer I wouldn’t need help! So it’s been more easier to say it’s ok I don’t need help I help others.

Then they go away till the next malicious lies from my ex husband come (his way of continuing his mental cruelty)

Anyway this last time the police referred me to the mental health this certain policeman was the first to have sat and really listened and understood so for the first time ever I’m attending an appointment in the morning to try and get proper help …..

More money needs to be provided by our government to ensure those who struggle but are not yet in crisis don’t slip through the gaps but all it ever is is waiting lists.

We need a new boiler. I don’t even know where to start with how unaffordable that is for me. I’m looking at applying for a warm homes grant to contribute to the cost. A long shot but worth a go. In between work, child care, and caring responsibilities, I’m struggling to find time for the paperwork. But I’ve got to do it somehow!

Thank you for the hat (and welcome pack). My daughter loves it. And the notebook is the same style I often use for my written diary and creative projects, so thank you for that too. Little surprises in the post never fail to lift spirits. And it feels like they are in need of lifting. Our eviction date is looming and the processes around trying to source housing at the moment are proving taxing and quite demoralising (no pets, no children, no dss...legally not allowed but still definitely happening when vetting applicants).

My daughter just got her diagnosis through of autism and adhd. Something we long suspected but have been waiting years on the NHS for assessment and answers. I'm glad she has answers now and she's doing well and being supported through this time. I'm trying to fill in the DLA form since her diagnosis was confirmed but it's very overwhelming, printing off evidence has already cost in paper and an ink cartridge. Makes me mad that a paper form is the only way to apply for something so important. It feels intentionally difficult. (Happy for post info publicly but without picture being public, that's just for the researches)