A weekend of waiting.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever spent so much time refreshing a housing website in my life.

Friday night: 71 bids. Still number 1.

Saturday morning: 73 bids. Still number 1.

Then 77. 80. 82. 83. 86. 87. 89. 90.

Every time I checked I had that horrible mix of dread and hope. Like maybe this time someone would have overtaken me. Maybe I’d dropped down the list. Maybe the whole thing would disappear like the previous property that fell apart after years of bidding and getting to the offer stage, only for it to collapse during verification and then somehow I ended up removed from that housing list completely.

No wonder I'm struggling to hope this will amount to finally having a home.

I’ve spent the whole weekend trying to imagine this house. A home. A garden where my child could finally have a trampoline. Somewhere stable. Somewhere we don’t have to keep moving at the whim of a private landlords decisions. Somewhere I don’t feel like I’m living on borrowed time. Somewhere I can potentially afford and not struggle to cover the rent in.

I drove past the road on Sunday and started worrying. What if I hate it? What if it’s too suburban? What if I get it and the housing association are awful and I’ve escaped one mouldy house only to end up in another? What if the house isn’t even empty yet and the wait time is too long and I have to go into temporary accommodation? What if it needs loads of work? What if i fail this verification process?

Too many unknowns, and with an adhd brain every "what if" is a loud channel of distraction, with equal volume to all others. The loudness of uncertainty has been debilitating ever since the eviction notice was delivered.

I’ve also been thinking about the other people bidding. How desperate are they? How many people are sitting somewhere else refreshing the page, hoping, worrying, waiting? It feels awful that housing has become this competitive, stressful game where people have to prove they’re the one who deserves somewhere to live.

And then there’s everything else I’m waiting on.

The housing situation.

The Ombudsman case.

The PIP tribunal.

My child’s DLA benefits decision.

Important career affecting certificates to be processed.

The potential of starting with a new therapist tomorrow.

Selling the car.

Refunds after messing up an online transaction.

Access to an nhs dentist appointment, that feels like some mythical thing to expect these days.

It’s ridiculous when I list it all out. It feels like my whole life is stuck in admin queues.

Sunday I barely slept. It was hot. My body hurt. I was socially hungover from actually going out and having a life for once, and then I felt guilty because I was tired and my kid had some extra tv time that day.

Monday morning I woke up exhausted and checked the website. Still number 1. One more day to go. Bidding closes at midnight.

I had to get my child to her home ed activities while feeling sick with stressed. I had activities to taxi between, meals to make, cats to feed, rooms to clean, paperwork, the mother load and housing stress to contend with. Everything felt like too much.

And now? It's Tuesday morning. Bidding closed.

I checked again.

Still number 1.

I'm sat waiting for a call or an email or some sort of update, unable to focus properly, trying to distract myself but also unable to stop thinking about the phone ringing.

I talked myself into staying nearby when dropping my daughter off today, rather than driving home and back again, because fuel costs are ridiculous, every journey adds up, and if I can find a free place to park I can wait/work in the van. I also downloaded a cheesy romcom on Netflix because something predictable and low key to engage with felt needed to stop the cogs whirring. Surprisingly, it actually worked. For a little while I wasn’t thinking about housing.

That’s where I’m at.

Tuesday afternoon.

The bidding has ended.

90 bids.

And I’m still number 1.

Which is amazing. And terrifying.

Because now the waiting is different. Before I was waiting to see if I’d stay at the top. Now I’m waiting to see if being at the top actually means anything.

I’m wondering who to call. If I should call. If I should just wait. If the housing officer knows anything more than I do. If the housing team know. If the landlord knows.

Why do these systems work like this?

Why, when someone is facing eviction and uncertainty and potentially homelessness, does everything still move through slow, bureaucratic processes? Why isn’t there more urgency? Why does the person whose entire future depends on an outcome have to sit quietly and wait for someone else to press a button or make a phone call?

More waiting.

More uncertainty.

More stress.

The housing crisis plods on.

With 4 more days to payday I find myself just thinking about the days when I get paid and every day in between is a blur. Am I wasting my life away not counting the 29 days of a month and focusing on the days when my universal credit comes and goes on the same day. Maybe, surely there is a better way of living, is it working? I would lose income working and miss out on raising my daughter who needs me. So what is the better way of living. Is it a secret no one wants to share or is there none is this it now. I've still more uniform to purchase as well as bags and shoes. I need to write lists and start marking them off, we deserve a better way of living.

This week has been full on.

10 years ago I had a breakdown and rather than help and support me my 2 older kids dads worked together, took me through family court and were awarded live with orders for the children. Although I have them half the time, pay half towards everything they still have these orders.

My daughter is 16 now and things are so much easier with coparenting.

My son is 14 neurodivergent and his mainstream setting have said they can no longer meet his needs even on the 2 days. They are currently funding his 3 days at an alternative provision where he's thriving.

Last week there was an incident where my son became unsafe at his dads house. Not because of dad but because of disregulation and then hitting objects hurting himself and threatening to run away.

As a result he is now with me. Me and his dad agree that for the time being this is where he's safest and possibly as a permanent arrangement too. He's been calm and regulated here all week. He's still refusing to engage or go into mainstream setting which is understandable given they cant meet his needs but I've managed to get him to his alternative provision the full 3 days. This means a 100 mile a day trip, while juggling school visits with my youngest and older things with my eldest.

My gas and electricity bill have sky rocketed and obviously my food bill also.

I've fought long and hard to have my baby back home full time but that does come at a cost. I most likely wont receive any help from his dad so currently im having to be clever about saving money.

That tied with a million things to put in place for September which is proving difficult because his dad wont agree to a permanent change of address yet. So I'm in limbo. I have a 5 year old starting reception in September, a reconstructive knee operation at the start of August and a 14 year old that has just started to thrive in a provision that I can't physically get him to as its 50 miles away.

I'm hoping someone sees sense and helps me out with it all because my little neurodivergent brain is tired 😫

Today I used one of my vouchers to shop at an M and S store. This is not my usual shopping place but I use the vouchers to support with food shopping and all of the supermarkets don't seem to accept them currently. I came out of the shop and there was a big issue man there. I felt so guilty. I get why he would position himself outside of that store. Presumably people who shop there have more money to spare. It makes sense. I would usually buy a big issue if I had the money bit I felt terrible that I had no money. This has happened before but this time I was coming out of M and S with shopping and it didn't look like I had no money. The guilt was so overwhelming I had to apologise to him for not being able to buy a big issue. I also didn't see anyone buy a paper from him or chat to him. I explained I had no money, I just used a voucher and that I hoped people were kind to him. I didn't know how to just walk past him. He must have thought I was nuts.

The schools' long summer holidays have started here in Scotland. The six weeks will gently unfold and boom, another school session will start in August. I can imagine that it will be so demanding for parents and guardians (especially low income families). I am a parent too but I have learnt to take things 'easy' in order to preserve my health.

Good day

It looks like it is not going to be so hot today

Just can't win. 1 minute we are almost out of heating oil and the next the electric is turning off every 5 minutes because everyone has fans on and is showering every day. I tried to turn the fans off when I thought it was cool enough but the second I did wham! Hit by heat. I'm fighting to find money for the meter. It's made me wander what happens to my kids if I can't top up the electric in a heat wave. Will they be taken into care because I can't afford to keep them cool. I'm currently sat in front of a fan soaked right through. It's the fastest and cheapest way to cool down.

I'm also wandering what's next for our benefits after Keir Stammer said he is standing down. I didn't necessarily vote for him or his party but as a Historian I know that we need the government to be stable and with all these whacka mole PMs I'm wandering when that will happen. I need stability, our kids need stability, our country needs stability! We just don't give our PMs enough time to actually fix anything. Part of me is picturing a spitting image sketch where we vote in Yungblud as PM. He seems to have good morals and wants people to be stable and looked after or maybe Marcus Rashford. Maybe what we need in a politician these days is for them to be a PM of the people and not some random Rich posh school A* student. I quite like the Cornish MP at the moment. Ben Maguire. He seems to be fighting for his people and is quite verbal and active. I wish Keir had held off a bit longer. Each time we restart a new PM we have to restart the 'can they be trusted to look after our family' train. This is just a very long episode of Spitting Image that is slowly becoming an episode of Jackass!! Seriously let's just start caring about each other and let things stabilise. Ukraine's prime minister used to be an actor but he is fighting for his people everyday. 🙄

Eviction date is a week away. I've not had any luck trying to rent privately and I've not had any luck with bidding on social housing yet. Had to read about what happens after the eviction date. Courts and judges and bailiffs....all scary sounding stuff. But the council and Shelter recommend to stay in the house past the eviction date and wait for the landlord to have to go through the court. It feels horrible. And stressful.

It's another month ending in my overdraft again (since I lost my pip payment). Still not heard any news on the tribunal for challenging it. It's been 3 months. I asked my ex if he'd contribute more than the child maintenance he occasionally pays and he has ignored my emails for the last 3 months. Raising a kid financially alone is not ok. I really chose wrong there.

Still not heard back from the Ombudsman either about being left without adhd medication since my hospital stay 3 years ago. The case has been ongoing for 2 years. My Caseworker said they might have news next week. But they've said that now for about 6 months.

My kid recently got diagnosed with adhd and autism, which has sort of felt like getting some answers around why they struggled so much in school. With that diagnosis info I decided to fill out the DLA forms...40 pages of really confusing questions. Sometimes it feels like the struggles with adhd and autism aren't taken seriously or understood by the systems we're meant to be able to get support from. Like we're not disabled enough to warrant care.

I lost out on a job last week at a place I have been volunteering at for nearly 2 years. It was only a 10 hour position but it felt pretty depressing to miss out on the opportunity to get paid for doing what I've been doing for free. Someone who has been volunteering there for longer got it. Which is fair enough. But still sucks!

At least the sun has been shining hey! And I've been cheering myself up with baking and making some interesting dinners with using what's in the deepest darkest depths of the cupboards and freezer instead of shopping 😅

Recently I was told that they are extending free school meals so more children can access it. Under the new rules should mean I can now apply for it. However it still says that I’m not accepted even though I claim universal credit. I’m really hoping it’s an error on the council's side and will try again in a week. But this would save me £60 a month. I’ve tried packed lunches but unfortunately most of it isn’t eaten.

The protests in Belfast, Glasgow and Falkirk last week made me apprehensive. Peace is a non negotiable.

Really felt the pinch this past few weeks, money has been so tight having my car insurance, and home insurance to pay

The news today about social media and children feels surreal. I grew up in a world where social media was a novelty. An extra treat or privilege. My child aged 12, has only known a world where the internet is essential. When I asked her and her friends today about it I got 3 very different reactions.

One child was upset about not having YouTube to watch tutorials and webvideos.

One was wondering how it will impact her future as she wishes to go into a sports career so she is interested in keeping up with social media.

My own child, doesn't have social media but does use news forms as she is interested in politics. She is concerned about how it will impact friends. But not so much herself.

I wonder how it will work as these kids grew up only knowing this life and to suddenly stop it, how can we do this effectively as parents, teacher, role makers? It's seems like a sweeping statement but not an active plan.

I look to my younger child who is 5 and think what it will look like when she is 12. How my world changed in 20 years and now how hers will. This ban doesn't seem thought out in my opinion.